


Coming to Terms

by hauntedd



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Self-Loathing, post episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-17
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-03-30 22:39:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3954478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hauntedd/pseuds/hauntedd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sarah's anger boils over as the sirens sound.  They’ve realized that Helena is missing and all it does is send daggers through her as the betrayal sets in.  Helena isn’t just fucking with her—this isn’t the crazy bitch version of teaching her a lesson.</p><p>Helena is <b>gone</b>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coming to Terms

**Author's Note:**

> There's a lot of Sarah Manning self-doubt and insecurity and anger all rolled up into a fic-sized ball.

Her heart drops into the bottom of her chest as Helena turns and shuts the door behind her. She is stuck in a bloody cage and Helena's just— _disappeared_. Sarah’s been running toward her, desperate to make amends for Siobhan’s sins, and the second she gets her back, Helena _leaves her here_.

Her family. Her freedom. Her bloody daughter. All gone. And for what? Her _sister_? Some bloody family she has there, yeah? First chance she gets Helena stabs her in the back.

_You can’t take them all under your wing, Sarah._

Fe had told her that, back when rescuing Helena was simply a need burning deep in her bones and not yet a possibility, and she hadn't listened. She owed her this; Helena had been sacrificed _for her_. And months ago, before Leda and Castor and Cosima and Alison, Sarah wouldn’t have thought twice. Better some other sucker take the fall.

Somewhere along the way, between the train station and this fucking prison camp, that’d shifted, she’d _evolved_. Sarah isn’t a bloody orphan anymore, she’s a part of something worth fighting for—a sisterhood or some shite—and Helena is her sister.

At least she _was_ her sister. Now, Sarah isn’t sure what Helena is to her, but she knows that a true sister wouldn’t leave her behind. Cos wouldn’t—she’d build another pencil gun; bloody Alison would’ve taken a bedazzler to these bastards by now. And Sarah’d thought Helena would—it doesn’t matter. Helena had pulled some Rachel-level bullshit, and now she is stuck here in a fucking prison cell with these rapist freak shows and their psycho mom.

Sarah’d opened herself up, trusted others, done all that shit squares do for their friends and family, and she’d gotten trapped for it. Maybe she'd had the right of it the first time—leave people before they leave you. Just like Paul said, all she'd had to do was stay the hell away.

But no, instead of running away from danger, Sarah ran toward it. She'd believed that stupid shit Cos said— _brothers_ —as if it meant something. It didn’t mean anything. She’d saved Mark’s miserable life and he’d put her here to show his bloody appreciation. And then, one of the assholes working on this fucked up science experiment had dared to tell her that she should respect these bastards. Respect them for what, exactly? Raping women? Threatening her kid? What sort of respect did this asshole think these people deserve?

They didn't deserve shit. Her only mistake had been trusting one of them, and Helena, in the first place. She shouldn't have come. She should have gone to Iceland with Cal and Kira and Fe and even bloody S and left all of this behind. They're her family—this lot can go straight to hell.

_Not so smart after all._

Sarah's anger boils over as the sirens sound. They’ve realized that Helena is missing and all it does is send daggers through her as the betrayal sets in. Helena isn’t just fucking with her—this isn’t the crazy bitch version of teaching her a lesson.

Helena is **gone**. 

She'd lost a gallon of blood _for Helena_. She'd gotten the shit kicked out of her _for Helena_. She’d risked her life _for Helena_. She’d suffered bloody Paul and his savior complex _for Helena_.

And yet, she’s still here while Helena is out there. Free, at least for now. Sarah hopes they catch her; so that when Sarah does break free, she can return the favor and leave Helena here. Helena might not rot, but she can enjoy her stupid prison all by herself and Sarah can forget that she was once dumb enough to trust her.

_Are you trusting the wrong people?_

She grips the pillow and throws it against the room, her hands clawing at sheets, and her mattress, until it’s all unhinged and laying in pieces across the rotted floor. A guttural scream leaves her mouth and before Sarah can stop herself, the sobs escape from her lungs, tears burning against her cheeks.

_If Helena’s an abomination, I’m much worse._

Sarah believes— _believed_ —that. Unlike Helena, she doesn’t have anyone to blame except herself for her shit. She has a bloody family. Helena had a bunch of religious freaks trying to make her a weapon. Yet Paul and S had tried to keep her from this over some misguided notion that she’s better than Helena. S should know better; she’d left her kid to prove a bloody point, tried to snatch her under the cover of darkness. What kind of mother is she? What kind of person is she?

The kind who gets left behind in a military shithole somewhere.

_I made a wartime decision._

Siobhan had chosen her—Paul had come to S and told her Helena or Sarah. And knowing all of her shit, S had still chosen _her_ over Helena. S believed— _believes_ —that Sarah’s got some bloody value and she’d just thrown it all back in her face, because Siobhan ignores the truth of it. While Sarah tries and tries to be better for Kira, Fe, unlike S, knows exactly what she is deep down.

_You are a bloody wrecking ball._

Helena isn’t that. Or, at least she hadn’t been, before this. And maybe Helena still isn't—but Sarah's too bitter to think too much on it. She'd believed in Helena despite her past, their shared history. If Sarah could work on her shit, move forward, even after pissing away her family and her kid, then Helena could too.

Only Helena hadn’t changed. She'd stuck a knife in her back and left her here when she needed Helena the most. If she had changed— _shite_.

_We make a family yes?_

Family. Helena’s always wanted a family—a place to _belong_. 

“You leave me here, you’ve got nobody,” Sarah mutters, repeating her final plea with a sense of dread. It would have worked, helped Helena see the importance of their bond, before Johanssen and the pregnancy, because Sarah _used_ to be all Helena had. But like Sarah, she’s changed; Helena’s pregnant, and Sarah's no longer all she's got. Helena’ll do anything to save her damn kid—even leave her sister here to rot.

With a sigh, Sarah kicks at the dirt and puts her cell back together, her anger dissipating some as the time passes. She might not forgive Helena for this, but she's starting to get it, and right now being pissed off isn't helpful. Sarah is on her own and if she's going to find her way out of this shit, she'll need a plan and a good night's sleep to do it. Maybe Paul's desire to save her will be less irritating in the morning when she needs a bloody ally in this place.

Then, when she's out of here, she and Helena will just... figure the rest of it out. Somehow. Sisters fight, yeah?

And maybe sisters can forgive.


End file.
